Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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