I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
