Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
