I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
