He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
