i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
