i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
well, you know. whores of a feather.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize