apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
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