I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize