Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Of course I have a pirate flag
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Randomize
