Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
You're earring is so big in my mouth
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
