By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
