there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
