thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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