You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Randomize
