Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
