i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
