Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I need a hoe opinion
go on
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
