He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
