on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
