At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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