is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
