I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
