I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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