i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
