hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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