May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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