He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Randomize
