i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
God, I missed his penis.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
