i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
