I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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