I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Randomize
