Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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