3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
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