Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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