imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
