Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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