She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
