my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
