I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Randomize
