suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Randomize
