You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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