I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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