Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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