my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
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