weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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