Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
