I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
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