Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
