I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
