How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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