How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize