i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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