Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
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