I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
