Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
