I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
