A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
