I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
