Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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