Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Boobs are out for the taking
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize