last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
We named our party play list daddy issues
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
